Die Vectors, Die!

Watch your backs, furry illegal aliens of New Zealand. I'm sitting in a chair in the office of the team of one of the organisations that's paying the bills from the guys who do the hard work of killing your sorry asses.

Oh yeah, makin' a difference...

I am Bent Like a Banana

Oh! Woe is Jody. You know, I never actually DO anything to my back. I'm not attempting cartwheels, or swinging off a trapeze, or playing Who Wants To Be A Pretzel? I'm always just minding my own business, and doing my thing.

I have been at a strange angle all day. Sort of sideways to the right, and not quite upright. Like a banana. Good thing I'm not wearing yellow!

OMG WTF?

Tracy and I were at this holiday resort somewhere in Asia. We were just getting shown around the bathroom facilities and directed to our awesome outdoor lounge-recliner style bed, when we were approached by a very upset American teenage girl.

She wanted to know if we had any tattoos. Why yes, we said, and showed her a couple. She told us that she'd gotten totally drunk the night before, and had woken up to find that she had a new tattoo! She wanted to know if it would hurt to have it removed. We asked her to show us the tattoo, so as to better ascertain the pain level of getting it removed.

It was the TINIEST little freckle-sized dot, INSIDE her belly button.

Yep, that was a fun dream.

Scent Assault and Nasal Battery

Why is it that women of a certain age, the ones who buy a lot of their clothes on Featherston Street and at Kirks, the ones who have tiger-striped hair in at least 5 different colours, the ones have probably spent a small fortune on designer perfume, try to DROWN themselves in the goddamn stuff???

ONE SQUIRT IS ENOUGH, LADIES!

J.O.B.

I gots one-a dem.

Yuck.

I had a terrrrrible pudding experience! Bought a Tararua chocolate mousse for dessert at Emma's house, since I'd never tried one before. I was expecting good things, for a pre-packaged pud.

But no.

It was that weird colour that is somewhere between brown and grey, it weighed about the same as a slug of plutonium (ie, NOT very moussey at all) and left a greasy scum that coated the insides of our mouths.

Truly, truly vile. Two thumbs emphatically DOWN.

Beds, Bullshit and Balancing the Budget

Sometimes people can be really great.

I was ringing up bed places the other day, getting the low-down on how much it would all cost me, and I ended up nattering for ages with this old guy. The usual stuff - raving about the ungrateful youth of today and how they were never taught to work hard, fist shaking about greedy corporate America and how they have sunk the whole damn world with their unreasonable expectations of wealth and privilege... bla bla bla.

Anyway, he called me up today to see why I didn't come in and buy a bed from him, and I told him the sad news that I had figured out on Saturday. I can't get finance because I'm unemployed, so there's no way in hell I can buy a damn BEAN at the moment, let alone a bed.

He revved up the fist shaking and raving again, blaming the US for my current shameful state, and asked me to send him my CV. He reckons he knows "everyone" in this town, and he'll see what he can do for me.

Isn't that nice?

Oh - and then another very nice man at another bed shop offered to sell me a trade-in bed for a totally kick-ass reasonable price, and gave me a much needed pep talk about how I don't need to buy a bed made of clouds and dreams right now. I just need somewhere to sleep until I get my situation sorted.

He is so right! So now, my "new" bed is all made up and waiting for me. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Doings

Jody is brought to you today by the letter I, and the number 3. As in, 3 cups of coffee and ibuprofen.

Today I am selling stuff on TradeMe, applying for 3 jobs, sewing a new curtain for the front door complete with cut-out hole to accommodate Ned's cat door, meeting a friend for lunch, meeting a friend for coffee, reporting in to dirty ol' WINZ, tidying my room, making dinner for Tracy, and doing laundry.

"I was... erm... on a working holiday?"

Been a little quiet on the Western Front, no? Well, I've been busy with some temp work last week, which has been a nice change from my couch-cushion-squashing and pajama-shape-maintenance duties.

I meant to tell you guys about all of the wonderfully helpful tips and advice that I have received at the wonderfully helpful Department of Money for the Broke of NZ. I have learned many things from them, including;

• Always have a shower before you go to a job interview, and wear clean clothes.
• Write a CV that will tell people what "skools" you have.
• Be vague with the dates on your employment history, to hide any stints in prison.
• Don't have a phone message that mentions sex, drinking, drugs, or uses bad language. It puts people off.

Now these are good tips, people! I'm sure you can apply them to your life, whatever your situation. Which I hope, for the record, is awesome.