Happy Anniverary, Tracy

It's been 15 years since Tracy did the asphalt kiss on the motorway out to Paraparaumu... It wasn't a pleasant time for the family, but at least we got to keep her.



Awww. Memories. These days she looks much the same, after eating lasagne. Just kidding!

NZ Christmas is O for Orsome!

The following is stuck in my head. Winky wonky donkey. You know - the one with only one eye and three legs. Who likes country music, so he's a honky tonky winky wonky donkey. etc. It goes on.

I think I might be spending too much time with Sam...

Anyway, it's been quite some time since I did anything retarded enough to report on my blog (or, to be fair, anything I'm willing to share) or saw anybody else do anything retarded enough to warrant a mention. I will share the following picture though, which cracked us right up.



I'm sure they're the bushiest in town. For those of you not from NZ, it's kind of a colloquial joke. Ever remember hearing me say "sweet as"? Sort of like that. Anyway...

Sam at 2 Months

My niece! She's so cute. Especially if you like kids with warm brown hair... We take her out in public, looking like this, and people flock. FLOCK.



The outfit is incomprehensible. However, her great-grandmother made it, so even if it does look like 15 pink poodles lost their balls in the decorating, we stuffed her in it regardless.



But we prefer this baby. Oh yes.



I get lots of cuddles. It's awesome.



Connor girls. With shiny snouts and devils eyes.



Things Sam can do now:

• Smile with dimples
• Coo, fetchingly
• Unclench her fists
• Feed!

Other milestones:

• We've embiggened her nappies by one snap level
• She smiles when she sees us, not just when she's entertained
• She's got some serious curls coming in
• She's sleeping through the night

Serious Concerns

I was making dinner (which had chilli in it of course) and Tracy said to me "don't put your chilli finger in your eye". I assured her I wouldn't. Then I did. Sigh.

Work Stories

I told Sam all about my day today, and she liked it! Finally, somebody who really listens to me. She smiled at all the funny bits, she kicked her legs when it was exciting, and I think she really does care about invoice validations! The child could very well be a natural administrator. Sucker.

In Which I Travel to "Real New Zealand" and Survive

Palmerston North for work this week. I have to humbly remove my metaphorical cap from my head, and admit that it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. It certainly has improved from the last time I was there, which was around 15 years ago.

In fact, it very much reminded me of Salem, Oregon! Except with better restaurants. There's no denying that the countryside is gorgeous, and our hotel was pretty nice too. Had one of those awesome Art Deco era cage lifts, where you have to close both the doors or it won't go.

Highlights included a delicious dinner with my colleagues, a day trip to Whanganui to see the poison factory (it smelled like cookies), lunch next to a cowpat up the Whanganui river, and an invitation from a couple of the contractors to go possum hunting. Which I fully intend to take up.

The earthquake was quite exciting. The biggest jolt hit at the exact same time that my butt hit the toilet seat in the morning, and for one groggy moment, I thought I'd done something bad! But I don't think I have that much omnipotence, now that I think about it.

Not sure if anyone reads this blog who knows how to read Greek... but on the off-chance. I seem to have picked up some sort of asshole spammer, who keeps posting "comments" on my post entitled 'Post'. I've deleted 6 so far, but they keep coming. WTF?

Anyway, that's it from me for the day. Gotta go pick up Tracy and Samantha from the airport! Huzzah!

Update From Ned

I left the house and found another tail on the front mat...

Um... Thanks for Sharing, Ned

I've been tiptoeing around the house this morning, staring carefully at each spot I put my feet before I commit.

Yes, Ned of the Toddin actually caught a mouse. Of which he was inordinately proud. At 3am.

I had to lock him out of my room so that a) I wouldn't have a little present left on the rug; and b) I could try to sleep through the squeaking.

I have thus far found:

• 1 tail
• 1 chunk
• 1 blood smear

Guess he's eaten the rest. Sigh.

Come on Everyone! Make an Effort!

You know... (a bit of a musing coming up) you know... I really would like to see people taking more responsibility for their feelings. The way YOU feel about, for instance, ME, does not necessarily mean that I am *doing* anything to you. I'm just doodling along, living my life and doing my best. You will just have to own your own issues. I know I'm awesome, but I simply can't be held accountable for everything in your head. Sorry 'bout that.

In other news, Ned stole my seat. Yup, I got up for 5 minutes to cook some rice, and bam! he was curled up in my spot in a split second. I tried to move him and he trilled. Knowing that I can't resist trilling. Little bastard.

Also, I made a kind of Thai curry thing for dinner only I put in too much lime juice and it was quite acid but not necessarily what I would call horrible however not exactly delicious either. I'm going to think of it as "a good use of the vegetables that were still holding out against the mold". I do NOT include the pumpkin (Poor effort, Pumpkin. For shame.) and the slimy thing that used to be a cucumber in this group. My main motivation was to eat at least some of the things in the fridge before Tracy gets home...

Post

I stewed some rhubarb today. That might actually have been the highlight. Oh no! Wait! I remember that I bought shoes! That was the highlight - the shoes, the shoes!

Alone

Tracy and Sam have gone to Nelson to chillax.

I just caught a glimpse of something in my peripheral vision, and have discovered potato chips on my chest! Huzzah!

That's right... I'm a secret slob when left to my own devices.

Happy Birthday Tracy

It wasn't a rager this year. There were little chocolate baby cakes though!

Please Don't Nibble the Nibbles

Ladies, take a moment to appreciate the cherries on your sundaes because despite what you may naively choose to believe, they CAN come off if they're gnawed on enough. I'm taking a moment to be glad that mine are being left to their own devices.

It's been quite the week.

Tantrums at work (not mine), explody poos at home (not mine), piles of clean dry laundry thanks to the cheering Wellington sunshine (SARCASM ALERT!), a traumatised cat (not a Sam-fan).

Samantha visited me at work today and got passed around faster than herpes at a key party. She was very well-behaved until the nano-second that Tracy left to pick up some sprog supplies. Then she did a huge squirty curry poo. Which I had to deal with. In my pod. It was gross.

I had to go to the Hutt. Bile rose in my throat and I kept the doors well locked.

So is there anything to look forward to? Well... the weekend cometh, does it not? I have walks planned, dinners suggested, lunches lined up, and stuff to DO.

Evenings These Days...

I'm sitting here on the couch, typing rather awkwardly. Samantha is sleeping on me, head snuggled into my neck and chittering away softly to herself. She's got a pink and white stripy jumpsuit on, and grass green booties. She looks like a little spring flower!

Her Mum is trying to catch some zzzz before the next feeding frenzy begins.

Yay! This is nice. And yes, I know there is poo and vomit. I have cleaned up a fair amount of both so far, and it's STILL nice. So there.

We've Got The Cutest Baby of All!

It's been a rough week at Chez Connor. Tracy's got mastitis and it's bloody painful. She's been in the horse-piddle for 4 days on IV antibiotics, which finally seem to be helping.

We're visiting a lot (of course) and it's not too bad since Wellington hospital is brand-new and beautiful. Clancy has been visiting!

Here's Grancy and Granmary with Samantha.



This one is from last week - Samantha's Grandma Margaret brought her this kick-ass hat! Isn't it cute? She looks like a pohutakawa flower.



Tracy and Sam in their room in hospital. My favourite picture.

In Which Jody Does Well For Once

Had a few wins at work today - always a nice change! I seem to be actually retaining a few facts and procedures pertaining to my job. AND I figured out the filing system.

Home is not quite as rosy. T&S have had a rough day, and I feel rather powerless to help.

More Mum Madness

Last night, I heard Mum singing (to the tune of the reasonably well-known Madonna song):

"Like a virgin! Ha ha ha - you wish".

She's Here...

Dear Former Favourite Babies

Your time is up. Sorry folks - I have a new first love. Samantha Olive Connor Pihama, who was born this morning at 7:45am NZ time.

Everyone is well, everyone has the required number of fingers and toes (and no more) and everyone needs to wipe the schmootz off their chin. But we will politely ignore that until later.

Doesn't Tracy look pleased with herself?



Samantha is, according to the Midwife "a good rooter". Just what you want to hear about your new daughter.



Another Connor Girl for our collection!



TA DA! Pretty good looking right? I got to put her first nappy on her, and dress her in her first outfit. Styling.



I wasn't trying to eat her toes - I was just tasting them. Just tasting.

Okay I Lied.

The tulips are out, Spring has sprung etc etc etc. I swear to god, every Wellingtonian under the age of 3 was at the Botanics last Sunday, and every knocked up chick as well. We're lucky we got a bench for our contemplative belly shots!



I know I look particularly vile here, but Tracy looks good and apparently IT'S ALL ABOUT HER...



This one I took this evening. She's in the horse-piddle, and since they're kind of low on beds, she's got a delivery suite all to herself for the duration. Hooray! Better than sharing. She's got strappy thingees on her tummy, the baby's heart-rate is all good, and I guess the only cloud for the silver lining is that we misread the other monitoring blip thing, and you do not, in fact, receive a taco if the taco reading goes over 70. Damn.



Oh yeah - Grandmary is still around. :)

And We're Off!

To the hospital, that is. Well - not quite yet. We're going in this evening. Next post: BABY PHOTOS...

Sometimes Tracy Gives Me Stuff For My Blog

This was emailed to me today from Tracy, who likes to participate.

"Today, when I queried mum about why there was a piece of boc choy in my saffron-milk, she said 'I'm like Edward Scissor-hands in the kitchen!'

I thought it was pretty funny."

Thanks Tracy - and welcome to the Blind Squirrel.

Aunty Jody Denied

41 weeks pregnant and nothing to show for it but thousands of cookies and a weeded garden. HARUMPH.

The other day, I was sitting in the lunch room at work staring out at the harbour, when my gaze was distracted by a man who had pulled into a parking space on the roof of the parking building across the street from us. He got out of his car, pulled his pants off, tried on a new pair of shorts and checked out his arse in his car window reflection! Obviously it wasn't quite the effect he was going for, because he whipped them off again and tried another pair - 4 different times! And he had tighty whities on.

Finally he found the perfect butt-hugging pair of shorts for the occasion, and happily jogged off! Man, you don't get to see a lot of Man-Butt in your working day. I feel very lucky.

Ha Ha Ha!

Quotes from Mum:

(watching Eminem music videos) "You know, those tattoos aren't cheap".

So we're currently at T (time) plus 4. Apart from the occasional complaint about wiggling or head grinding, there is NOTHING going on. Sigh.

GET ON WITH IT!

Tracy's 3 days overdue now, and it's boring AS. Lots of sighing and belly rubbing and trips to the hospital to monitor things, but no official Auntydom. This sucks. We have onesies for Africa, piles of nappies, a whole basket of booties, and no bub.

Two University Degrees

I haven't had a very good intelligence week...

First I attempted to polish my boots while wearing them (which, in my defence, always works for Tracy) and managed to get some polish on the bottom of one. Which I didn't notice until I walked across the carpet.

Then, I managed to throw an egg on the floor. It's too long to explain about that one, but I did actually have a plan in mind! It just didn't work out.

Yesterday, I zoned out on the bus and suddenly thought I was about to miss my stop, so I pole-vaulted over the poor woman sitting next to me and raced to the front of the bus, only to discover that it wasn't my stop. I apologised to the driver and said I was actually after the next stop, only to discover that the next one wasn't my stop either. He asked if I was lost, and I had to tell him no, and that I have lived in the neighbourhood for SEVEN YEARS. What a nong.

And then I got the IT Team's Dumb-Ass award at work for processing a couple of invoices twice. It took some sort of special scripty thing to fix, and they gleefully pointed out that the invoices WERE clearly stamped "Copy". Nobody likes a gleeful IT geek. Take note, IT geeks.

The Birthday That Was...

Things that happened on my birthday:

• I saw a tree getting felled by the Melling train station
• I saw a man getting arrested in Pak n Save
• I had brunch in the sun
• I had a Margarita
• I ate Mee Goreng served by a HOT waiter
• I got Thunderpants!
• I went to a brand new bar and saw a truly hilarious woman wearing a full-length fur coat and 6-inch stiletto heels trying to flag down what she assumed was a waiter but was actually another customer
• I wore a hat made out of wrapping paper for most of the morning (it was actually very useful sun protection in the end)
• I got lots of love from my awesome friends.

Can't ask for better than that.

2 Weeks to Go...

It's kind of old, but back in June we had a baby shower for Tracy. Everyone was... erm... very surprised?



This one is from her last day of work - that thing on her belly is a present for the baby from AUNTY JODY. It's a hand-knitted rattle shaped like a cupcake! How super awesome is that??



And this is a couple of weeks ago, sunning on the back deck.



Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet?

...

How 'bout now?

The Dangers of a Wet Pussy

We're having quite the storm tonight, and Ned couldn't resist going out to blow the stink off his fur. He came back in all spiky and frisky, and managed to scrag me twice while I was trying to dry him off.

I'm covered in bandaids.

In New Zealand news: it appears that the biggest thing happening this weekend is that an elephant died at Auckland Zoo. Seriously. It's on every channel. Okay, we only have 5 channels, but still!

9 Days Till My Birthday!

Start saving your shekels/dollars/pounds/euros/drachmas.

Parallel Universe

I dropped a chickpea on the floor on Friday night, and I can't find it. After some discussion, Tracy and I agree that there is a vortex to another dimension under the couch, and the chickpea fell in.

Hooray!

I've been boasting at work that when Tracy goes on maternity leave, I shall be in the rare position of being a working woman with a full-time job and a wife at home to cook me awesome dinners.

SCOFF, they did.

SUCKERS!



And why not, I ask you? Since she's my sister, flatmate, best friend, mother of my niece/nephew, and according to the AA, my Lesbian life-partner, I think I am owed a few fancy dinners.

Nice Try

I don't think it counts as a manly kill if you bring in a mouse that has clearly been dead for some time, doesn't have any puncture wounds, and has 2 leaves stuck to it.

You wouldn't know it from the excited meowing and the ecstatic belly rolls on the carpet though. You'd think he'd just provided for a litter of kittens!

Soooo Lazy

Tracy's been on holiday for a week, and I have only just decided to bother cooking dinner. There have been plenty of leftovers and a couple of fried egg sandwiches over the sink...

A New Commercial Opportunity?

I was typing up meeting minutes the other day, and the discussion had been around new contracts that we're drawing up for contractors who specifically want to trap and kill ferrets. Such opportunities, of course, must be sent out to tender for the best value for money. Anyway, a lot of the notes referred to "ferret tenders".

Oh man, that cracked me up!

"What's for dinner, Mum?"
"Ferret Tenders and mashed potatoes!"
"Yay!"

Look for them in the freezer section of your local supermarket.

The Laaaaaast Monday

It's Tracy's last Monday of work. Awesome!

I marked the occasion by squinting at my computer screen all day, because my glasses are getting re-jigged for the Slightly More Blind. **&(*Y(*^&%. I hate that I'm getting old.

After an entire day of stupid invoices and incomprehensible problems involving possum traps, I am finally where I am supposed to be. On my couch, swilling sauvignon blanc and scoffing brie.

Mundanity

The tuis are singing and the laundry is out - it's a gorgeous Saturday morning for once!

I've had a reasonably good week with nothing hilarious to report unless you count some of the outfits the kids on the street are wearing these days. When did tights become acceptable trousers?

We weathered a storm (HO HO HO!) that blew my rubber duckie off the bathroom window sill. I have to admire his panache though, because he managed to zoom around the biggest and most immediately available landing area (the toilet) and touch down safely behind the rubbish bin.

I finally got a haircut from Dani, in the stylish surrounds of Salon Brenda's House, where I got to meet her grumpy budgie Noodle. I liked him very much, even when he tried to take a chunk out of my finger for touching his clothes peg. Fair enough, I guess. Don't mess with a budgie's peg.

What else? Oh! I found my missing stocking! Very happy about that.

Presents from Me

Okay, not really presents. But when you're unpacking boxes that have been under the stairs for 2 years, it kind of feels like presents! I have lots and lots of stuff that I'd forgotten all about.

I've also been swishing around town, having terribly elegant lunch dates, and awfully civilised glasses of wine. Not too many - just enough to take the edge off the undeniably horrible Wellington weather.

Perhaps not quite so elegant and civilised - I had mashed potato cheese toasties for lunch. These, in case you were out of the loop, are THE BEST. If you're off to try them right now; you're welcome.

Other things I've done this weekend: brushed Ned. He didn't like it much, curiously. Usually he's right into it. However, this time he took a swipe at me and hissed. Hmm.

Future Me

I got an email from myself yesterday! I found this website where you can send yourself an email in the future, and of course, I'd totally forgotten about it! Here's what I wrote:


Dear FutureMe,

I bet it's not as bad as you thought, and everything has worked out for the best. As Dr. Pangloss says, everything is for the best in this best of all possible worlds.

Right now, it's January 2nd and you're sitting on the couch in Boston, worrying about money and wondering if you're going to make it.

Love you,

Jody

And I was right!

Bus Adventures

You know, I really have missed the banalities of an office job in Wellington. There's a lot of fun to be had with the little things, if you know how to look for them!

Of course, not all my daily adventures are fun, exactly. People are SO strange.

I took the bus home this evening, and sat on the little jump seat that faces backwards, and can be flipped up if there's a disabled passenger on board. Now, this seat is about 4 inches wider than my butt. In other words, a seat for one. Or so I thought...

This teeny tiny woman came bouncing onto the bus, ignoring the 2 empty seats down the back, and squeeeeeeeeezed herself onto the remaining 4 inches of seat next to me! I had to squish myself up against the window to avoid having her actually sitting in my lap!

Maybe I smell better than I thought.

Die Vectors, Die!

Watch your backs, furry illegal aliens of New Zealand. I'm sitting in a chair in the office of the team of one of the organisations that's paying the bills from the guys who do the hard work of killing your sorry asses.

Oh yeah, makin' a difference...

I am Bent Like a Banana

Oh! Woe is Jody. You know, I never actually DO anything to my back. I'm not attempting cartwheels, or swinging off a trapeze, or playing Who Wants To Be A Pretzel? I'm always just minding my own business, and doing my thing.

I have been at a strange angle all day. Sort of sideways to the right, and not quite upright. Like a banana. Good thing I'm not wearing yellow!

OMG WTF?

Tracy and I were at this holiday resort somewhere in Asia. We were just getting shown around the bathroom facilities and directed to our awesome outdoor lounge-recliner style bed, when we were approached by a very upset American teenage girl.

She wanted to know if we had any tattoos. Why yes, we said, and showed her a couple. She told us that she'd gotten totally drunk the night before, and had woken up to find that she had a new tattoo! She wanted to know if it would hurt to have it removed. We asked her to show us the tattoo, so as to better ascertain the pain level of getting it removed.

It was the TINIEST little freckle-sized dot, INSIDE her belly button.

Yep, that was a fun dream.

Scent Assault and Nasal Battery

Why is it that women of a certain age, the ones who buy a lot of their clothes on Featherston Street and at Kirks, the ones who have tiger-striped hair in at least 5 different colours, the ones have probably spent a small fortune on designer perfume, try to DROWN themselves in the goddamn stuff???

ONE SQUIRT IS ENOUGH, LADIES!

J.O.B.

I gots one-a dem.

Yuck.

I had a terrrrrible pudding experience! Bought a Tararua chocolate mousse for dessert at Emma's house, since I'd never tried one before. I was expecting good things, for a pre-packaged pud.

But no.

It was that weird colour that is somewhere between brown and grey, it weighed about the same as a slug of plutonium (ie, NOT very moussey at all) and left a greasy scum that coated the insides of our mouths.

Truly, truly vile. Two thumbs emphatically DOWN.

Beds, Bullshit and Balancing the Budget

Sometimes people can be really great.

I was ringing up bed places the other day, getting the low-down on how much it would all cost me, and I ended up nattering for ages with this old guy. The usual stuff - raving about the ungrateful youth of today and how they were never taught to work hard, fist shaking about greedy corporate America and how they have sunk the whole damn world with their unreasonable expectations of wealth and privilege... bla bla bla.

Anyway, he called me up today to see why I didn't come in and buy a bed from him, and I told him the sad news that I had figured out on Saturday. I can't get finance because I'm unemployed, so there's no way in hell I can buy a damn BEAN at the moment, let alone a bed.

He revved up the fist shaking and raving again, blaming the US for my current shameful state, and asked me to send him my CV. He reckons he knows "everyone" in this town, and he'll see what he can do for me.

Isn't that nice?

Oh - and then another very nice man at another bed shop offered to sell me a trade-in bed for a totally kick-ass reasonable price, and gave me a much needed pep talk about how I don't need to buy a bed made of clouds and dreams right now. I just need somewhere to sleep until I get my situation sorted.

He is so right! So now, my "new" bed is all made up and waiting for me. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Doings

Jody is brought to you today by the letter I, and the number 3. As in, 3 cups of coffee and ibuprofen.

Today I am selling stuff on TradeMe, applying for 3 jobs, sewing a new curtain for the front door complete with cut-out hole to accommodate Ned's cat door, meeting a friend for lunch, meeting a friend for coffee, reporting in to dirty ol' WINZ, tidying my room, making dinner for Tracy, and doing laundry.

"I was... erm... on a working holiday?"

Been a little quiet on the Western Front, no? Well, I've been busy with some temp work last week, which has been a nice change from my couch-cushion-squashing and pajama-shape-maintenance duties.

I meant to tell you guys about all of the wonderfully helpful tips and advice that I have received at the wonderfully helpful Department of Money for the Broke of NZ. I have learned many things from them, including;

• Always have a shower before you go to a job interview, and wear clean clothes.
• Write a CV that will tell people what "skools" you have.
• Be vague with the dates on your employment history, to hide any stints in prison.
• Don't have a phone message that mentions sex, drinking, drugs, or uses bad language. It puts people off.

Now these are good tips, people! I'm sure you can apply them to your life, whatever your situation. Which I hope, for the record, is awesome.

It Burns! It Burns!

There's a suspicious large yellow ball of fire in the sky, and all of Karori is steaming as two weeks' worth of rain evaporates...

I went to my first return to Book Club last night - glorious! Thanks for letting me back in, ladies! This month, we're going to read Self-Help books... Should be interesting. NO NEED FOR ANY "HELPFUL" SUGGESTIONS ON WHAT I NEED HELP WITH. You can keep your opinions to yourselves. :)

Last night I had a horrible dream about fighting with Tracy because she kept stealing my cheese toastie squares. Jody doesn't share cheese!

Things I Did Today

It's all go around here, let me tell you! I've been up since 8am, running around like a blue-arsed fly! Boy, it's a shame there aren't 25 hours in a day because I could have used the extra time! Just LOOK at what I have accomplished...

• I have maintained the shape of my pajamas by remaining in them for 20 hours straight!
• I have watched 6 straight hours of old episodes of 'House'!
• I have run up and down the stairs in the house for half an hour, because my arm went to sleep and I was worried about my circulation!
• Around 12:30 or so, I scampered up the steps to check the mail! There wasn't any.
• I put the rubbish out!
• I cooked myself a nutritious dinner (popcorn) and did some dishes!

Nah, it's not all bad news. I have also done laundry for Tracy, spent some quality time with Ned, applied for a couple of jobs, and made a few lunch dates for this week. Come on universe! Gimme a job.

Who Will Want Me Now?

Just when I thought that I was still a young, vibrant, whole-life-ahead-of-me woman.

My doctor tells me that my sore thumb might be early arthritis.

BOOOOOOOOOO.

Public Safety Announcement

Last night I dreamed that I was holding a nice fluffy pillow, and when I let go of it, it shot up into the sky and got tangled in the branches of a tree! Turns out, it had been fluffed up with helium.

Just thought I'd send out a general warning. Be careful where you release your pillows.

Things To Do When You're Unemployed

In these uncertain economic times, when so many valuable people are under-utilised, I thought it would be worth while putting together a sample list of stuff you can do to fill the hours...

• Update your toenail hygiene. This is best done in your pajamas, sitting on the couch at 10am on a week-day, watching Oprah.
• Take time to really embrace the joy of waiting for the mail to arrive.
• Practice the art of extending conversations, so that your 15 minute coffee dates with your friends are smoothly stretched into hour long deep-and-meaningfuls.
• Think up creative ways to doctor your CV to explain the time you've spent unemployed.
• Score free cookies by giving blood.
• Pretend that you like walking for an hour into town, and that it's for health, not because you can't afford a bus ticket.
• Try on alllllllll your outfits, in order to ascertain what you will wear when the job interview requests come flooding in.
• Exercise the muscles in your right forefinger by hitting 'refresh' on your Facebook home page.

Good stuff, right? All suggestions guaranteed to have been tried and tested by Miss Connor herself.

Nadir

Maybe it's just the particularly boring and non-job-filled day I've had, but I'm really starting to wonder why I came back.

Tracy Truffles are Trouble

You guys, she made SO many truffles. Probably 50, I swear. And I'm the only one home! They call to me... They whisper sweet nothings to me... "Jooooooooody... We are so creeeeeeeaaaaamy... We loooooooove you..." Just like that.

Purrrrrfection

Yeah, that's right. I'm a crazy cat lady and I feel your judgment and I DON'T CARE. Mwa ha ha ha ha!

Ned of the Toddin and his fluffy catnip-stuffed mouse. That's a recipe for a damn good time right there. Who needs television?

And to be honest, I've watched SO much TV in the last 7 months, I can't take any more.



















Ned's best angle! Ah, that's my boy.

Choice!

I found $5 today!

Real Mature

It's so great to be a grown-up, isn't it? I mean, you just have SO much more time to think about the higher things in life. For instance.

I was out with friends on Saturday night, sending Jessie off to her new "life" as a share-milker in Canterbury, and 2 of her fiance's friends kept putting ice down my back. And throwing ice at me across the room.

Sigh.

3am rolled round, I decided I should go home, I got up, and as I was leaving, I punched Friend No. 1 on the shoulder, and Friend No. 2 in the stomach. Feeling rather pleased with my final revenge, I was just about to flounce off down the stairs, when I realised that the guy I had just punched in the stomach was A COMPLETE STRANGER!!!!

He and his girlfriend were standing there with their mouths open, while the guy I had intended to punch pissed himself laughing on the couch behind me!

I was SO mortified.

I ended up staying for another 10 minutes, apologising profusely and begging for forgiveness. His girlfriend thought it was pretty funny, luckily! I'm very very lucky I didn't get hit back. Just to add insult to the whole debacle, the only injury anyone suffered was me, as I woke up with a severely bruised knuckle. BOOOOO.

20 Weeks

We went preggo clothes shopping today, and had a lot of success! Now Tracy looks pregnant, and not merely the Prime Suspect in the "Who Ate All The Pies?" mystery series.



Nat putting together the baby buggy. Surprisingly easy! And no 'spare parts'. Good work Daddy.



In other news, I went for a walk! Yes, ME. On purpose, and everything. Here's Kylie and me, somewhere on the Otari-Wilton Bush walk.



Also spent some time with Em's girls. We played Wiki Sticks with Olivia (that's a squid. Pretty good, yes?) and Staring Competition with Nina. She won.

Mince Noms

Tame eel from the Jester House Cafe, somewhere arounds abouts Nelson... They'll come right out of the water if you have some mince meat on a stick!



See?



You guys have to remind me not to talk to kids. This poor little boy was happily feeding the eels mince, until I told him that they might find his toes tasty.

His face went VERY solemn, and he backed away immediately. What is wrong with me??

Score

This morning, Mum Clancy and I decided to go out for breakfast. So into the car we squashed, and off down the highway we zoomed.

We were minding our own businesses, when suddenly, a truck coming in the other direction ejected 2 huge bags of Pink Batts (which, for my non-Kiwi friends, is a kind of fluffy wall insulation used in houses to keep them warm) onto the road! Mum did her civic duty (beeped a lot and pointed), and we pulled over so Clancy could pull one of them off the road. It was quite the hazard, as you may have surmised.

Next thing we know, Clancy's gleefully lugging the bag of batts over to the car, and knocking for the back door to be opened! Yep, we were swiping goods that had "fallen off the back of a truck"! She managed to stuff both of them in the car, and with Buffy and I cowering in the back seat under the imminent threat of Death By Batt, we did a u-turn and raced home to stash our loot behind the garden fence.

Sloice of Loife

Apparently, I'm supposed to be continuing the blog with small insights into the joys of Kiwi life, now that I am NZ-side again.

Let me see...

Well, today I heard a ruckus outside the house, and there was a man in hi-vis gear talking to a man in overalls about a hole.

Mum scooped up all the poodle poos on the lawn with a slotted spoon that I'm pretty sure she used to serve dinner with, not too long ago.

Nelson is crawling - CRAWLING - with people I went to high school with. It's weird being home. I wish I didn't still have the same hair cut I had when I was 5. I'd have a better chance of hiding, if I looked any different, ever.

Kina Beach

Easter weekend in Nelson. It's exhausting...



Especially when you've just gone for a swim.



Fortunately there is always time for cuddles, even when everyone is busy.



Tracy can always be counted on to do look-out duty.



zzzzzzzz... It's hard to stay awake now! I'm fighting a truly horrible head cold at the moment, which is so bad my teeth are aching. Thus, a non-funny Blind Squirrel post. The squirrel is feeling squished.

Boulders and Brandy Snaps

We went for a walk along the boulder bank today - and by that I mean that Tracy and I ditched the old ladies and the motley crue of little dogs, sat on our chuffs, and threw rocks at an abandoned Talley's fisheries bucket, in an attempt to fill it. So much fun!

It was one of those Nelson days that is so perfect it makes you want to give thanks to a higher power, and count all your blessings twice just to make sure you haven't forgotten any.

Sharon came over for lunch, and we sat outside for a couple of hours eating cheese muffins and salad, drinking coffee, soaking up sun. FAB.

Oh yeah - we had brandy snaps for dessert. They were snappy. I really just put that in there because it also started with 'B'.

Home Sweet Home

Made it! Adventures on the journey home include but are not limited to:

I completely flustered the woman who checked in my bags in Portland. She didn't know where New Zealand was, and she couldn't find any reference to it on her list of instructions on how to charge naughty travellers with overweight bags. I should, in fact, have been charged $300 (!!!) for excessive suitcases, but she got so wound up she let me go for free! CHA-CHING.

I was so relieved, I gave the girl who served me a burrito a 40% tip, which cheered her right up.

On the flight to Auckland, I sat next to a hard-core Greenpeace protester, who gets flown around the world to captain Greenpeace ships. He was very interesting to talk to!

Hugh Laurie was on my plane, according the other guy in our row.

Actually, that's about it. Unless you count as an adventure such mundane events as freshening up in an airplane toilet, chugging all the water in your water bottle before going through security, getting your accent mocked by a TSA employee in Los Angeles, and standing in gum.

I'm tired.

1...

I did say that this countdown was in no particular order, but decided I would save the best for last anyway.

The number one with a bullet thing I miss about NZ and look forward to seeing the MOSTY MOST MOST:

My family. (awwwwwwwwwwwww...)

I really do miss you, Mum. Don't forget to pick me up on Wednesday!!!

Outrageous!

I saw this TV ad for a gadget that is a phone, internet, video chat thingee etc. It's supposedly going to revolutionise how you interact with your family. Anyway.

So, there's this woman. She's downloaded a recipe for paella from her fancy-phone, and she's busy in the kitchen making this fabulous dish for her family. She uses the fancy-phone to inform the family what dinner will be. Her teenage son gets a text on his cellphone, and uses it to send her back a video message, which she gets on her fancy-phone.

The message says "Mom, I don't know what 'paella' is, but I'm NOT eating it".

Cut to Mom, using her fancy-phone to order a pizza.

WTF????????????????

I would be calling MILITARY school for that damn brat! I hope no real mothers out there get this sort of treatment from their offspring, and shame on Verizon for putting their name to it.

2...

I actually really miss cooking. Cooking in my own kitchen, with all the ingredients I need, and for people with the same tastes as me, so they're happy to eat it.

It wasn't so bad here in Oregon, since Alison and Mike have a fully pimped out kitchen, but Taiwan was dreary. Two gas burners, no oven, a dead cockroach in the grease trap... Not to mention trying to make ANYTHING using 2 pots, a fork, and a collection of takeout chopsticks. Bla!

3...

Cheese.

Proper, yellow, (not orange) cheese that is called something normal. Like, cheddar. If I had had one more cup of coffee this morning, I might have been tempted to attempt an Ode to Cheese.

Oh! And Kikorangi Blue cheese of course. That stuff is divine.

4...

I miss my friends. All of you, equally. I hope you're clearing your social calendars, because I want to worm my way back into your affections, and your regular gatherings. These would include, but not be limited to: Movie Night, Book Club, P&P, Thirsty Thursday, Friday Night Drinks, Flat Warming Parties, Brunch, Birthdays, Babysitting, Lunch, Coffee, Sneaking Out of Work Early, and Voddies.

Or some combination thereof.

5...

Tuis! I love tuis. I want to sit on my porch swing and listen to the tui that likes to sit in my cabbage tree. Ahhhh...

In unrelated news (ZING! Read on: that was a good one.) Facebook informs me that Barack Obama has confirmed that we are cousins, using the "We're Related" application.

I was not aware that I am a cousin of the 45th President, but I plan to take full advantage. I'll be requesting that Air Force One pick me up this afternoon, so I can spend my last 5 days in the States at the White House, supping on gourmet delights and feeling the awesomeness of my cousin's power.

6...

Cauliflower fritters from the Kalamata Cafe. These are the best things ever cooked/served in the whole world, and I include those moldy breakfast burritos in that list.

A religious experience. I can't wait!

7...

Shopping for clothes.

Okay, I know this is kind of lame for my countdown. But I do really love NZ designers, and it would be nice to buy from shops that don't stock anything with the flag on it.

Hooray for Andrea Moore and Stitch Ministry and Starfish!

8...

The pebble sculpture outside the Old Bank Arcade.

I freaking love that thing! I hope it's really windy juuuuuuust after I land safely at Wellington Airport, so the pebbles are turning.

Do Come In.

9...

I'm looking forward to never having this conversation again:

"Where are you from?"
"New Zealand."
"Oh! Noo Zeeeland! I hear it's beautiful."
"Um yes, it's ok. Very nice in fact."
"I love your accent."
"Thanks, I've been practicing."
"Huh?"
"Never mind."
"Is it just like Lord of the Rings?"
"... Yes. Yes, it's exactly like Lord of the Rings. Awash with hobbits."
"I've always wanted to go to Noo Zeeland, but it's just so far."
"Yeah, well..."

10...

I'm looking forward to having all my stuff. Man, almost 2 years living out of suitcases! I want to unpack all my boxes and spreeeeeaaaaaad out.

Update from Oregon: the neighbours are burning something smelly, and I had to clean up a poo.

11...

Wellington.

I miss my small, walkable city. I miss being somewhere that I know well, and I always get a kick out of taking pedestrian access short-cuts.

I miss The Terrace, even when it has road works all over it and mad bus drivers zooming up and down. I am looking forward to seeing the sculpture art on Lambton Quay.

Can't really claim to have missed that annoying man outside Whitcoulls who tries to tell everyone they're going to hell, but he IS part of the atmosphere!

Stop Press

Okay, I have to interrupt the count-down.

News headline from Oregon this evening: Bobcat in Bar.

There's camera footage...

12...

Breakfast burritos at Sweet Mother's Kitchen. I don't know why, but on the west coast of the United States, tex-mex country, they haven't really embraced the breakfast burrito. Oh sure, they HAVE something they call a breakfast burrito. But it's just a burrito that you can eat early if you feel like it. There's no scrambled eggs in it! Lame.

I'm going to sit on the end of the long table, and I'm going to have a flat white. Ooooo! Maybe that should be 12a. Flat whites. Americans MURDER coffee. Honestly. You would cry.

13...

mmmmmmmm... Vogels bread. Not any of those bastardised later versions, mind you, just the original. Toasted to perfection and served with pretty much anything. Yum.

14...

Well, got 2 weeks left in the US of A. And since I'm seriously running out of ideas, I thought I would do a daily countdown featuring 14 things that I am looking forward to having/seeing/doing once I'm home. In no particular order.

I guess I could have done a "14 Totally Retarded Things About the States" countdown, but that's too easy. Or IS it? Sometimes I think I would have trouble limiting it to just 14.

Anyway, Number 14:

NED OF THE TODDIN.

That's right punters, I miss my cat. And he IS delicious, the best cat ever, remarkable, and perfect. So there. I know I'm only 12 cats away from my future and I don't care. So there so there!

I put it to the audience - who could resist cheek-paws?



Nobody with a heart.

ABORT! ABORT!

Guys, I'm done here. I'm trying to keep the blog reasonably positive about things, but I have to say that the last 7 months have been pretty hard on me. I want to go home.

So, I am! Isn't it great to make your own decisions?

I'll be beaching my canoe (which is, of course, the only mode of transportation open to New Zealanders interested in international travel) in a couple of weeks, and holing up with my family for a while.

Still haven't decided if I'm going to keep writing this blog or not - is there any point??

Here's a pic I took the other day. It's a bend on the back road between Salem and Corvallis, as the rain eased up a bit. Nice, yes? I like how the road is all shiny and wet, and just - zip! disappears into the sky. That'll be me leaving Oregon.

Whoops

Guess I've been a bit tardy with the blog posts. Sorry, fan!

What have I done the past two weeks? Hmm. Well, I got a haircut. I'm officially a button mushroom once again.

I spent 3 days down in Corvallis, staying with Mike and Lisa and working for Junk Be Gone! which is their small business. Basically, if you have a pile of junk (and you live in Eugene, Oregon) and you want it to be gone, call them up and it will be done.

And let me tell you - you see some SIGHTS working with them. Yesterday we went round to this guy's house and took away what seemed to be his kitchen garbage from the previous 6 months. As in, he filled up bags with rubbish, and then biffed them straight into the garage. It was DISGUSTING. I picked up a liquefied onion that my fingers went into (thank god for gloves). He also had us clear out his car while we were there. The passenger seat was covered with pizza boxes and McDonald's wrappers, and the floor was filled with the same up to the level of the seat. It was truly vile.

You may have guessed it, but this guy wasn't the trimmest and healthiest specimen around...

Fun times, eh?

Apart from the occasional dead onion though, it wasn't a bad few days. Cruising around in a little dump-truck being polite to other drivers and seeing the sights of Eugene. We had a rare Oregon sunshiney day on Friday, so Lisa and I parked up by the river and went for a long walk. It was glorious!

Treasure Hunting

At the base of the stairs in the dark of the night
Jody and Ali found a marvellous sight!

Drawers of treasures from times gone before
Riches untold and oh! so much more

What did we find? Well, many cool things
Diamonds and rubies and settings for rings

Agates and opals and old rubber bands
Cuff links and staplers and rings for small hands

Bug bits and notions and Bigg's Picture Jasper
Some things were crap but one was a gasper!

We swiped a few things, and I cut an agate
We left out a potful for Michael to gag at

The hunt was most fruitful and all were in rapture
At the things in the basement that we did encapture.



Some sort of composite agate thing. My favourite by far.



Sneaky Jody preparing to delve the depths of the secret drawers of fun. (By the way, this is part of a collection that Ali and Mike bought from an old guy's wife after he died. He was a life-long rock hound and jewelry maker.)



Sneaky Ali with inspection lamp at the ready. Keep in mind, people! These drawers haven't been opened in at least 30 years.



A capsule with a diamond and a ruby in it.



Nice bit of pink rockie goodness of some sort.



A teeny weeny diamond.

Guess What I've Been Doing?

I woke up this morning in my super cosy warm snug nest, and looked out the window to find...

SNOW! And not nasty Massachusetts snow that you have to shovel out of the damn driveway - nice fluffy Oregon snow that you can frolic in.

And eat.



Alison and I went on a nice long walk through the back-blocks of their property, and I tasted a few trees here and there. Delicious!



Here's some general shots of pretty pretty things. I actually took some very cool ones on Mike's camera, but haven't got around to stealing them yet.



This is heading down the driveway.



The barn. How amazing is that sky?



Anyway, apart from winter wonderland expeditions, there's not much else to report. I've been offered a teaching job in Thailand if I want it.

Thoughts??