Has the Insect Kingdom Gone Crazy?

Yep, you guessed it folks. Those pesky ants are back in my kettle! At least 8 died this morning in a pre-coffee tragedy.

Ants: let me ask you this. WHY???? There are tasty crumbs on the bench! Sauce stains around the stove top! Half a slimy red pepper in the rubbish bin! Yet you opt for my kettle, every time.

I am forced to conclude that ants are either collectively suicidal or stupid.

Foot of Pain, Body of Doom

Got my first Taiwanese foot massage today. It was sooooo bloody painful! Kind of in a good way, but also kind of in a "I'm going to kick you in the head if you don't stop doing that" way.

After 40 minutes of hot and cold flushes from pain, I was all done and informed that the following areas of my body are doomed:

Head. (Oh excellent. I can just get that removed.)
Pituitary gland.
Cerebellum. (Not sure what this is, exactly.)
Temporal area.
Trapezoid.
Thyroid glands.
Stomach.
Duodenum. (Do I really have one of these?)
Small intestines.
Descending colon. (ew!)
Rectum.
Anus. (I am seeing a theme...)
Cervical vertebrae.
Tailbone sacrum. (Does this mean sacred arse?)
Sciatica.

Honestly - I may as well throw myself off Taipei 101. There is clearly no hope for me.

Oh, and also I eat too fast, sit down too much and am too tense in my stomach.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

School Holidays

Ah yes, that magical time where the weeks stretch before you, full of potential and promise!

There will be sleeping in, lazing on the beach, parties, visiting relatives, road trips around the country...

Mopping basketball courts at school.

As Much As I Appreciate It...

Don't send me cash.

I went to the bank to exchange my USD100 today, and the first bank wouldn't do it without my passport. PASSPORT. For goodness sake!

Second bank (my bank, where they know me perfectly well) accepted the cash initially, but then told me that they couldn't accept it because....

IT WAS FOLDED IN HALF.

Dong Hu is such a stupid backwater.

Oh, So Good!

I can't believe I haven't had these things before today. Breakfast: can't remember the Chinese name for it but basically it's a crepe with a scrambled egg, piece of cheese and hashbrown in the middle. Roll it up on the grill, cut into slices, biff it in a cardboard box, cover it in soya sauce. OH MY GOD IT WAS GOOD.

Why the feck am I munching muesli?

Well played, Taiwan.

Scooter Tales III or IV (i've lost count)

Okay, NO WAY am I getting one. A friend's friend died on Monday night after an accident last week. And he had the biggest safest helmet you can get. Most riders here have little more than a tin baseball cap, and I've seen families of 5 on them with no helmets.

That woman from Head Office on Day 2 was right - cars are dangerous but at least with them it's your body surrounded by metal. On a scooter it's a motor surrounded by your body.

It's the bus for Jody.

Winter Schedule

So, it's winter. And Kojen has moved onto the winter schedule. In a word - chaos! All our regular classes are canceled, and we're working in the morning instead. Which sucks SO much ass. I had to get up at 7am this morning! 7AM! Taught with one eye shut until 9:30, and it was nothing to do with the Chili Incident.

But get this - the reason we've got new times is because regular school is now on holiday for Chinese New Year. But do the poor little kids get a holiday? No. They get stuffed into English school for intensive conversation/vocab/writing classes. It's criminal.

The Week in Review

Monday:

Went to the Flower Market in Nei Hu with Teresa. Saw all sorts of cool plants and beautiful orchids, and also a fair amount of bizarre crap.

This one was cool!


This, not so much... Can you see the glitter?


Me, looking Special Needs as usual.


My kindly caregiver Teresa.


After that I went to work with my new mini orchid and wowed the punters with my admirable ability to choose traditional Taiwanese plants to brighten up my bat cave.

Tuesday:

Went out for a chocolate fest with the Young Americans. It was grand! I had hot chocolate with ginger in it. And I bought a scarf.

Wednesday:

Payday, thank goodness. I did my usual half-arsed job at work and then went to my secret other job that pays better. We discussed golf, and the elections. I never thought I'd know this much about golf at my tender age!

Then I went to the pub quiz. We did ok - 5th equal. Hmm. That doesn't sound all that hot actually. Whatever - I was there for the cheesy fries. I will live forever in deep shame that I managed to win a bonus question tequila shot for knowing that Carrie Bradshaw's favourite shoes are Manolo Blahniks. Or however you spell it. Blush!

Thursday:

Went out for dinner with Caroline and Rachel at a local place round the corner with fab fried rice. There was a large party of the workers who are building the MRT extension through Nei Hu there, and boy were they excited! Free Foreign Girls entertainment. Some of them shifted their chairs around a bit for a better view.

It's official. I can never pursue a career as a super model or a movie star. I hate being stared at! Sorry Vogue and Hollywood, you're going to have to box on without me.

Friday:

I got assaulted by the Dingo Snacks as usual. Then I schlepped home to my bat cave, chopped up a bunch of garlic and chili, promptly forgot about the chili and stuck my finger in my eye, and I've been slurping noodles on the couch ever since. With one eye shut.

What does the weekend hold? Oh, so many things! A couple of extra jobs on the side. Drinks with other teachers. Brunch at Woolloomoolo with the Kiwis. Movies. Accolades. Laundry. Good times. Better times. A hunt for coffee filters. Much avoidance of vehicular homicide. Oh, and I think I said I'd go watch some American football game at 4am on Monday morning at the pub. Which is a bad idea, since I'm teaching at 9am! Will keep you posted...

Welcome Edmund

This is my new plant - Edmund. Isn't he swishy? I went to the Nei Hu flower market with Teresa this morning and had to have him.

Plus it's very Taiwanific to have an orchid. All the Chinese teachers at school were very impressed.

Think I've Figured It Out

Okay, the reason why the Taiwanese have such awesome and prolific stationery...

They are in school for 7 days a week sometimes, and even tiny kids are at school from 7am-5pm. Older kids? 9pm. My theory is, the only way they can force themselves to work/study such ridiculous hours, is by providing the incentive of gorgeous stationery. If you had a pencil box with 4 compartments and a spring-loaded kick stand to hold the lid open, you'd stay in school!

In other news, despite living in a minuscule apartment and owning practically nothing, I seem to have lost 1 of my 3 cups. Hmmm. I'm pretty sure the ants aren't that ambitious, despite their aspirations to become salamanders (see previous posts - they like to live in my kettle).

What else? Well, I went out with the Young Americans last night. It was good fun, despite their tendency to describe everyone and everything as "so cute". Honestly, it brings out the worst in me! I swear even more creatively than normal, just for a change in aural stimulation.

Chinese Jody

I was informed today that 'Jody' sounds rather a lot like the Chinese word for the bottom of your foot.

Oh yay.

Die Die Die!

I got a super awesome electric bug zapping racket for Christmas, and yesterday I killed this EVIL mosquito so thoroughly that its body glowed as it burnt to a crisp.

And I did the dance of victory. Mwa ha ha!

End of the Winter Sojourn

I'm back in Nei Hu, to my great relief. It was lovely to stay at Alex and David's much nicer house, but the travel was a pain in the butt! An hour each way, and always at least one Cottonhead on the bus to sneeze on me. Ew yuck.

I've been shuffling around my bat cave in my slippers, rearranging paper and assigning themes to drawers. You know - nerdy stuff that I tend to do!

What else to report? Hmm. Well, I found somewhere else to eat lunch/dinner in Dong Hu, so now I don't have to have buffet every day. Huzzah!

Oh, and I bought new jeans for 350NT a pair. Which is about $15. Double huzzah for slave labour in China! (only kidding only kidding, I swear.)