Halloween

Despite being laid up on my bed of pain, the powerful urges of peer pressure forced me out yesterday, to hunt for a Halloween costume for school. I travelled an HOUR to the Taipei Main Station, and then mosey-ed around it for about 1/2 an hour, trying to find all the shops that sell holiday themed crippity crap. (Taiwan is one of those places where you have to go to specific places to buy random stuff. Like, having 3 or 4 square blocks of practically nothing but Halloween costumes, Christmas decorations and (for some reason) plastic buckets. Maybe for all the puking you will do when you see all the cutesy ornaments.)

Finally found it, and in desperation, purchased a hat shaped like a spider. With vague thoughts of Miss Muffet in my head, I wandered off. And promptly turned a corner to end up in Taipei's "nothing but luggage" district. It was pretty fun, and eventually I found a shop that sold nothing but hair accessories and bought some AWESOME clips with little red devil ears on them. Or, that's what I think they are anyway. They kind of look like Shrek ears I guess.

Was most pleased!!!

Schlepped home, unpacked purchases, and... DOOOOOOM! One of my ears had disappeared! I was so bloody gutted. Look how gutted I obviously am!

Oh Taiwan. What Were You Thinking?

Or maybe "Oh Jody, Why Do You Encourage Them?"

Ho Hum

So, here I am in my bat cave... Not allowed out. Thank goodness for the internet! I would be suicidal by now, and it's not even midday. I'm going to try and think of odd Taiwan things to tell you.

1. In every restaurant I have been to so far, they seem to be physically incapable of bringing out everyone's orders at the same time. Or even within 5 minutes of each other.

2. The cheesecake and pizza here is insanely and consistently good.

3. On the weekend, Annie and I found this shop that sells really high quality wigs. They cost a lot of course, but I am SO getting one before I leave! They're probably made out of the hair of Chinese prisoners or something.

4. You can pay your bills at the 7-11.

Uber Ah Boo

I was under the distinct impression that life was already a shit sandwich. And then this morning, while drying my hair and congratulating my immune system on a sterling effort fighting off this cold, I put my back out.

I shuffled around all day, high on ibuprofen and bent sideways at a funny angle, but eventually it got worse and I disgraced myself by crying and lying on the floor in the teachers room with my head on a dictionary.

Next thing I know, every Chinese teacher in the joint knows about it (I tell you, NOBODY gossips quicker than they do) and they've jointly decided that they should call Sara (my preschool director, but I don't actually work for her anymore) because I'm her special teacher and that I should go see a doctor. You know how much I hate doctors!

They frogmarched me into a taxi and took me to this completely bizarre place. Full of mostly dead old people with towels on their necks, and prone bodies hooked up to machines for 'treatment'.... I was scared! The whole place was really dirty and looked like a building site - I swear I did actually see a jar of screws!

They gave me an x-ray, even though I told them it wasn't bone related. Didn't bother with the whole taking clothes off gambit - just straight on the slab. So my x-ray came out, much to my chagrin, with my bra underwires clearly visible!!!!

Then the doctor informed me that I have scoliosis (yeah, I know) and also back pain (really?). He then hooked me up to a machine and left me there to be mildly electrocuted for 15 minutes. Then finally, I got what I really needed - a bunch of drugs.

I left several hours later, dazed and confused but packing codeine.

And it turns out that even if the place was a bit of a dump, health care in Taiwan is ridiculously cheap! Cheaper than just going to the chemist and buying panadol. It was around $7 for my first visit, and subsequent visits (if I am that brave) will be about $2 or $3. And the drugs were $2 as well! Huzzah!

Decorating

Here's a picture of the plants I bought. Aren't they cool? They do brighten the place up a bit.

Wail!

I feel whiny. Somebody should be here to take care of me, and make me drink juice. Where is my sister to make me soup? Why is there no cat to keep me warm and immobile? Where is my comfy government job with unlimited sick leave?

I had to haul my sorry and drugged up arse to school today, and teach for 4 and a half hours. It was horrible. I almost fell over twice, because my sinuses are so full they ache and it's affecting my balance. And my teeth ache too. They feel like I've been gritting them.

And I'm supposed to be at a party but I am such a total horror that I can't go. So here I sit, at home on a Friday night, in my PJs at 8:30pm and totally ready to go to bed.

Oliver

This is Alex and David's wee sprog Oliver, enjoying his first cuddle with his slightly grumpy Aunty Jody! Isn't he great? If you guys know David, you will immediately see that Oliver looks exactly like him only smaller, pinker and balder.

Technology - Ain't It Grand?

Greetings all - I finally got net access at home!! Suffice to say, Telecom is a bitch all over the planet. Why the hell are they so hopeless? Anyway, who cares. I have internet.

Struck Down in My Prime

I've been afflicted with the Asian flu. Well - I assume it's Asian. I can't possibly be to blame for it.

Nothing much to report. I bought two weird plants to cheer up my bat cave, and they're doing well. Thirsty little buggers though.

Stuff Wot I Are Doing

Here's a pretty typical day in Taiwan...

6:30am - woken up by incessant construction noise.

6:35am - squashes pillow over head in attempt to block out the above.

7:30am - woken up by woman on megaphone, yelling at kids at the high school across the road. Mostly it's in Chinese but occasionally she shouts "L-O-V-E, L-O-V-E, LOVE LOVE I LOVE YOU!"

7:30-7:45 - curses existence of teachers, megaphones, high schools, and location of apartment.

10am - gets up.

11:30am - wanders off to school.

11:30 - 1:30pm - stares dumbly at "lesson plan", aware of irony in the name. Am usually convinced I am teaching them nothing, and certainly have NO plan. Am eventually rescused by kindly Chinese Teacher, all of whom I suspect think I am retarded.

1:30 - 4pm - the lesser known Chinese torture technique. Insanity and death by 7-year olds. Emerge older, greyer, deafer, and covered in grime. Why grime??? Well, despite all attempts to ward them off, kids perversely adore me. Sticky fingers all over me, hands on my leg while I mark their work, gifts bestowed...

4 - late-ish - sit in Teachers Room, attempting to plan next day's events. Eventually convince myself my time would be better spent eating noodles and watching TV on my laptop. Drag carcass home.

late-ish - bed time - Eating noodles and watching TV on my laptop.

Bed time - lies in bed listening to neighbours. One sings in the shower, one right next door can be heard pissing in the toilet. Another is a firm believer that phlegm belongs out of the body at all costs. Attempt to sleep, but can already hear woman with megaphone...

Fun stuff! The weekends are slightly different, I swear.

Fist Shake for America

Damn Americans and their bully-tactic cultural imperatives! Or something like that. Taiwan is gripped by Halloween fever. And since I teach the retarded - whoops, I mean CHILDREN... I have to bloody well dress up in some stupid costume, and take the little basta... whoops, I mean darlings (my spelling is atrocious today!) around other classrooms to beg for highly processed sugar infested treats.

What an inspired idea. Let's pump them full of MSG, saturated fat, complex sugars and food colouring. Then let's try to teach them English.

3 Tigers and Some Weevils

So, you probably remember how much I love spaghetti puttanesca. I think I ate it about once a week at the very least in NZ! I've been having withdrawal symptoms, so I bought all the ingredients and settled in for the evening for a saucy treat. Which took some skills, as I only own 1 saucepan.

Anyway, all was well until I opened the pasta and dozens of nasty weevils ran out! I assume they're weevils - but they honestly looked more like fleas only with longer legs. EW YUCK. For about 10 seconds, the Evil Jody in my head was very persuasive... "Oh well, they'll die in the hot water. You can still eat it, you can you can..." But then Good Jody managed to wrestle the microphone away from her, and firmly declared it to be a bad and possibly deranged idea.

So I just had sauce for dinner. Ah boo.

Tofu

It really is delicious.

Two Horses and Two Tigers

1. It's taken me a while to notice, but Taipei doesn't seem to have any stupid-ass boy racers! And no drunken teenagers either - probably because the poor kids are in school until 9pm every night and Saturday mornings as well...

2. There's a horrible sulphur smell coming out of all the storm drains today. Should I worry?

3. The taxi drivers in the city are mostly from outside of Taipei. They come here during the week, and work ALL the time, then go home on the weekend. They sleep in their cars, mostly under bridges or in the few pockets of semi-rural areas still remaining in the outskirts of the city. You have to keep an eye on your driver if you take a cab anywhere, in case he falls asleep!

4. All the bread here is sweet. It's awful. And you don't even want to know how many "treats" they can make out of red beans and rice. Blurggghh.

5. In Chinese, the answer to "how are you?" (assuming that the answer is going to be 'so-so' or 'ok' or something) translates into English as "two horses and two tigers". That's definitely how I feel some days?!!?

Anyway, better go. I need some dinner. Hope you are all feeling two horses and two tigers at the very least!

10-10

So, yesterday was Taiwan's national day. They just call it "double ten" day, so for a while I was very amused and thought they had made it a holiday simply because it's the 10th of October and it's a double ten. I wouldn't put it past them - it's really hard to get a cellphone number here that does NOT contain the number 4, because 4 is very unlucky and all the 4-free numbers have already been taken. The colour white is also bad. And also making any large business decisions during Ghost Month. And leaving your chopsticks in your rice.

Anyhooooo, I celebrated by going shopping with Sanchia at Taipei 101. I am pleased to announce that I have lost SO much weight, I now fit nicely into the largest size trousers available in Taiwan... Joy.

Who farted?

Hard to tell with all this wind. The typhoon is much more impressive than the last one! Alex has taped up the windows, and the building management team has sandbagged the entrance. Funny. I don't think we will drown though - we're on the 18th floor.

I hope my little house is ok. And by that I really mean my quilt, since I don't much care about anything else.

Oddness

Did you guys know that in Taiwan it's 1996? On the up-side, I'm 20 again. On the down-side, nobody told my boobs.

Taiwan Day III

So, things are a bit calmer now! I have 16 hours work a week, with more coming as I get used to how things work in the kids and adults departments. I've also got a few leads on possible private students (shhh - not entirely legal...) so I think I will be ok.

It will a lean few weeks though.

I still think Kojen stinks for the way they handled this, but as everyone very annoyingly keeps pointing out "this is Taiwan".

I've just told my kids that I'm not their teacher any more, and to my absolute delight, one cried! Hah. In your face everybody. The rest just looked a bit confused, so I made up for it by crying lots on their behalf.

What's Next?

So, I have just finished observing my first kids class. It was ok I suppose, but I am still really angry about everything. So far there is no word from Head Office on if they intend to honour the terms of our contract.

I start work on Monday with kids classes, they're all in the afternoon and evenings, they expect me to work on Saturdays. Tomorrow is my first pay day in almost 2 months, but boy has the shine been taken off THAT.

I am also really upset about leaving my baby class tomorrow - I had to write goodbye notes to their parents today, and then I had to sit down with the teacher who is taking over, and explain to him all about the students and their personalities. It's quite amazing how much I know about them in just 5 weeks, with a major language barrier.

I am feeling very very very very low.

Taiwan Day II

So, not much else to say on the situation yet. Thanks for all the emails you guys have sent me! I've been given some kids classes instead, but only 14 hours a week. And I can't live on that. From my perspective, I have a contract guaranteeing me 22 hours a week no matter what I work, so it should be ok.

From Kojen's perspective, the contract we signed doesn't suit them any more so they can do whatever they like and I have to put up and shut up.

Does that sound like something I would do?

No.

Taiwan Day

For those of you who haven't lived overseas, this is a day where the country you're living in (not necessarily Taiwan, I'm sure you understand...) just gives you a nice big kick right in the head.

I finished class today, was called into the office to talk to my director, and told that I am effectively redundant, effective immediately. WHAT THE FUCK, TAIWAN?

I'm not totally without employment or anything, I just don't work in the preschool any more. Which really annoys me because I was only just finding my feet. And now they're trying to load me up with night classes and Saturday classes teaching older kids, instead of my 9-4 number. I am not impressed.

Can't blog any more - I have to write up a pros and cons list, and arrange my face into a suitably grim aspect before my next meeting.

Note for the internet: the head of Kojen is a stupid wanker. I'm talking to you, Mr. Ho.

Oh Dear...

I know you will all really want to know this. My stomach is not being nice to me this week, and neither is the other end. Oh dear.