Foot of Pain, Body of Doom

Got my first Taiwanese foot massage today. It was sooooo bloody painful! Kind of in a good way, but also kind of in a "I'm going to kick you in the head if you don't stop doing that" way.

After 40 minutes of hot and cold flushes from pain, I was all done and informed that the following areas of my body are doomed:

Head. (Oh excellent. I can just get that removed.)
Pituitary gland.
Cerebellum. (Not sure what this is, exactly.)
Temporal area.
Trapezoid.
Thyroid glands.
Stomach.
Duodenum. (Do I really have one of these?)
Small intestines.
Descending colon. (ew!)
Rectum.
Anus. (I am seeing a theme...)
Cervical vertebrae.
Tailbone sacrum. (Does this mean sacred arse?)
Sciatica.

Honestly - I may as well throw myself off Taipei 101. There is clearly no hope for me.

Oh, and also I eat too fast, sit down too much and am too tense in my stomach.

Boooooooooooooooooooooooooo!